Be my muse, please?

I feel like a failure at this point.

I don't know if I have lost my muse, but it didn't work for me last night and right now. It was working for me all the way until 9PM last night.

I will not talk about going to the prom, dresses and anything else in between until I sort myself out.

Mother-flipping basket of cookies, I've never been more disappointed in myself in my life right now.


Can someone please take me to Bangsar Village so we can have a lovely chocolate fondue session at Theobroma so I can drown my sorrows by eating chocolates and gaining extra weight?

From here, it will only get worse.

You know what?
True friends stab you from the front, not from the back.

*****

My brother just came in and asked me about the friendly match.

The fucking audacity of him to ask me that.

I'M THE GODDAMN LAST PERSON YOU SHOULD ASK!

*breathes deeply*

Seriously. Stop pissing me off and making me sad.

*****

Why was I being so bitter the past two weeks?

01. On Saturday, someone sent me a message saying if I wanted tickets to watch the match and he could organise a meeting with the boys. I so badly wanted to say yes, I almost cried.


02. I don't hate my future sister-in-law. I really don't.
It's just his decision to get married that pisses me off. He just conveniently tells my mother in the car on the way to a wedding which my father and I didn't attend one day that "I'm seeing someone and I would like to get married". Like seriously? If I hadn't known any better, I'd say it's like a shotgun wedding. It would be nice if he actually brought her home to introduce us all to her. I have a hard time adjusting to new situations. I'm awkward, to be honest. My parents at least can deal with changes better. Not that I'm saying I can't, I can. It's just that the process itself is longer than what a normal person would undergo.

I can't talk to her. I barely know her! I know, once she lives here, I'll get used to it, you say. But the thing is, we're on two different polarities. She's quiet, sane and religious; a few things I am not known for. Most people know I have an innate fear of talking to people who talk very softly. Well, yeah, she talks softly and that doesn't help me at all.

I want to be familiar with someone before I let them be a part of my life.
"I know you don't hate her. It's just that, you need to know someone for you to trust them. Trust is an important issue with you"

How he manages to tap my inner thoughts like that amazes me slightly.
"How do you know it's exactly that?"
"Trust me, I've been your best friend for 7 years and dated you for two. I know you even more than YOU let on"
"Besides...I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile..."

Stupid fellow. We're having a serious conversation and you randomly sing Lionel Richie's Hello to me.

I don't hate her. I promise. This feeling shall pass, I know of it.


03. This wedding plans are robbing me of my social life. It's sad to say I have yet to watch The Dark Knight when three-quarter of the population of the world have already watched it TWICE.

Fine, I'm being a fat, selfish walrus.


04. One of my father's late friend's daughter is going off to Cyberjaya to study and we decided to visit her on Saturday. We went out for dinner/supper (I have been skipping breakfast and dinner because I just have no mood to eat) and then we went back to their place. We got on to talking and somehow the conversation went to the topic of consuming fish.
"Fish is food for the brain. You're smart. See when you ate fish, you got 7As for your PMR. Even my son also got good result. My son...and my daughter too"

The statement itself is innocent, but I tend to look at it in both a positive and negative light.

Yes, dear father. I am not smart. No need to feel sorry for me. There is no need for you to feel compelled to mention my being smart. It's okay. I've learnt I am second best. Silver is such a pretty colour on me compared to gold.

The next day, I just went to the trophy cabinet and took out all of my stupid trophies and hid them somewhere in my room.

It's not because of what my father said. Almost every trophy in there belongs to my brother. To put my trophies there would be an insult to his intelligence.

Everyone who steps into my house for the first time would casually walk over to the cabinet and peruse the trophies one by one.
"Eh, why mostly your son's trophies only?"

We live in a culture that tells us the amount of As we score is equivalent to how perfect we are and how wonderful life is.

I don't want to be subjected to people's idiocy to such things.

So if and should anyone ask me why I lack trophies in the cabinet, I might just answer "Why? Do you want to give me one so that I don't feel sorry for myself for not being as smart as he is?"

At least I know how to spell and count and read. That's all that matters, no?

*****

ROBBIE KEANE IS IN LIVERPOOL.

WHAT THE HELL.

HE'S NOT MEANT TO BE THERE. HE BELONGS TO SPURS.

Ah well, not like the went to ManUre. Ugh, that would've been disastrous.

*****

I promise not to buy anything until October.

Whatever money comes my way shall be used for the David Cook album fund, the David Cook in KL fund, and the ongoing Stamford Bridge fund.

=)

*****

"Ma, I don't care. When David Cook comes to KL, I am going"
"Must see the timing is right or not first-lah"
"Timing right or not, I am going. I have already been robbed of so many things, let me have this moment, okay"
"I'm taking you with me, by the way"


I feel better already.


Stop worrying, okay. Michael Johns is keeping me happy with his shenanigans.


Currently listening to:
Warwick Avenue - Duffy.

You think you're loving but you don't love me.

Just maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.

"What's up, sexy?"
"Shut up"
"Uh-oh. I know that tone anywhere. It's the infamous 'I-can-be-a-bitch-as-and-when-I-please' one. It's 12 so...go on"
"Do you know how horrible I feel right now?"
"Shoot"
"I just hate this wedding"
"Uh, aren't you supposed to be excited? Why do you hate it?"
"I can't do anything!"
"Like what?"
"LIKE YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW!"
"Okay, focus your anger on something else besides me"
"Sorry. I can't see Chelsea play. I can't see Daughtry. I can't see Jared Leto in Genting. YOU KNOW HOW NEAR GENTING IS TO MY PLACE? WTF!"
"MPH IS HAVING A SALE FROM THE 30TH UNTIL THE 3RD OF AUGUST AND I CAN'T GO! FOR GOD'S SAKE, A BOOK SALE!!! I WANT TO GET SOME NEW BOOKS TO READ-LAH!"
"I'M HORRIBLY MAD AT EVERYONE!"
"THE ONE TIME CHELSEA AND I ARE IN THE SAME CONTINENT, I CANNOT GO. WHY? BECAUSE MY BROTHER DECIDED THAT HE HAS TO GET MARRIED FAST BECAUSE THE PERSON HE IS MARRYING IS THIRTY!"
"Breathe, sweetie. Take a deep breath"
"I don't hate them but...argh! I sound so selfish, but I can't help it! I'm going to be the worst sister-in-law ever!"
"You're not going to be"
"You're a grumpy little thing, you know? It amuses me to no end to see you rambling"
"Why is it that I can only talk to you when I am feeling unhappy?"
"Because when you're happy, you're busy throwing insults back and forth at me"
"Not that I'm complaining, I know that's your way of saying you love me"
"You're obnoxious"
"You know something?"
"What?"
"I'm happy David Cook isn't coming to KL just yet. Oi, quit hitting me and hear me out! Because if he did come around the time your brother was getting married, you would be even grumpier than you are right now and trust me, no one, I repeat, NO ONE would want to say a word to you because anything they say might make you shout at them or cry uncontrollably"
"When he comes here, I AM GOING AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME. I MEAN IT AND I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME!"
"Jesus, no. I am not going to come with you to see him! Thanks but no thanks"

It's amazing you're the only person I can be upfront and frank about things like these that make me doubt myself for being human or having feelings.

Thank you for 12AM pillow talks.
Thank you for making damn sure I don't weep like a MASSIVE baby walrus.
Thank you for being you. Obnoxious or not, you are love.

You're my wonderwall.

*****

I need to get out.

Guess what? This pair of shoes in Novo I was eyeing since January is being sold at RM49 now! It used to be RM126, then it was RM59.

"You want it or not?"

I said no.


Wow. First I said no to a necklace, now I said no to a pair of shoes?

I am beyond surprised that my will-power is THAT strong.

Oh, how quaint. Magic Rainbow is playing now.


You know what that means?
It means I should reward myself for being headstrong.


Right after I typed that, they played Always Be My Baby.

THIS CALLS FOR A DOUBLE REWARD!

Toodles.

We're tossing pennies, making wishes to make it right

Do I regret saying no?
NO.

It's amazing how much I've changed. I remember when I was a kid, every time my dad would pick a dress and I would absolutely hate it with a burning passion (I don't do pink very well, thank you) and he'd go on and on about how nice I'd look in that dress and everything else. Just to evoke some sense of guilt in me so that I'd give in and get it.

This is the moment where I tell you that I'm falling apart,
and I'm stuck in reverse between the same damn lies.

I know, I give in easily to please people. It's a weakness of mine, I sort of wear it on my sleeve too much, as some of you might have already seen.


It's something I am proud of at times, not most of the times.

I hate to be the one who obliges to requests.

"Do you want this?"
"If you like it, take it"

I don't want something because someone says it looks nice on me.
I don't want something because I am forced into it.

It seems like lately, all I do when I buy something, is to see if I can use it for the future.

Or whether it is something I ought to have at this present moment.

That's exactly how I felt with that necklace.
I didn't want it nor did I need it.

Even if I was not in such a crappy mood, I would have said no as well.

Heck, you wouldn't believe what my dad said after I picked a red handbag which was:
01. multi-functional,
02. nice,
03. affordable,
04. practical, and
05. simple.

He told me "That bag is so cheap and looks so plastic-like. How about this one?".

The bag he showed me was RM300.

Like, hello. I am still in school, I don't own a credit card and I don't really see myself carrying a bag THAT expensive unless I am (a) married or (b) working.

I don't bloody care if it's the Malaysian MegaSales and it's at a slashed price or whatever.
I don't bloody care what people think of me already. I am already in everyone's bad books.
I don't bloody care anymore.


I don't want it.

All I want is to improve my lack of vocab to improve my standing in Facebook's Word Challenge.

Or just let me just listen to MY song and go "Sigh...perfect" at it like a little school girl with a mad crush.


For the people who taught me to scribble lyrics at the footnotes of any notes I take down AND tolerates my random moments of spazzing out when Magic Rainbow comes on the radio.
You two understand me like how a penguin recognises fish.


Currently listening to:
Optimistic to a Fault/Better Never Than Late - David Cook.

Not sure which is the title, apparently it's the latter and if this is on the upcoming album, I will be pleased as punch and vodka. The blog post title comes from a line from the song, by the way.


Hold on, someone wants to say something.


Hi, I am the friendly Scouser, any one of you who has a guy friend who is single and looking...please hook him up with my darling Roxanne.

I cannot take her undying obsession for David Cook and anything associated to him. It kills me slowly.
Oh God, she just spazzed out while listening to Magic Rainbow.

For the sake of my sanity and yours, if you want her to stop talking about him, PLEASE FIND HER SOMEONE TO LOVE AND EVENTUALLY MARRY.

Thank you.



Oh, you bitch. Now you know how I feel when you talk incessantly about Steven Gerrard. Don't listen to her. You know me better.

I haven't got a clue.

I folded 100 cards and managed to get my right thumb cut along the way.

One more chapter to go for Social Psych.

Yay!!! *does handstand*

The library is now officially my second home.


I have a sudden urge to toss my oversized Wisconsin sweater aside because everytime I wear it, it makes me want to cry. All those memories. They hurt, in a good way.

Personally, my favourite song from the Analog Heart album.

I know I've been saying it like a million times already, but hell, I'd give just about anything just to go back to Wisconsin again. I just feel like crying right now.


Damn it, where's the magic rainbow when you need it to cheer you up?


Oh well, the stupid random pirate joke will do.

I ain't missing not a single thing.

I chickened out of today's keloid injection.

Not sure if you would consider fatigue as a valid reason to skip the injection.

Bloody pansy. Go marry that pansy gayboy-lah!

I've taken these jabs 4 times already and yet I still fear them.


Why in the name of the good cows are we so vain?


I need sleep and logic.

I need to study.


I'm taking a break from this for a while. So many things going on, such short time to talk about them all.

Edited [12.06.2008; 9:40AM]:
You know your brain has been eaten up when you watch the Portugal-Czech Republic match and yell:

"RICCY! WHY DIDN'T YOU PROTECT THE GOAL FOR PETR?"

I am officially the most retarded person on Earth.

Sigh, Petr. I love you no matter what people say (Clumsy? HAH!). I love Riccy and Paulo too.

I miss Tomas Rosicky. The Czech boys really miss their captain =(

My brain cells are dying faster than it's supposed to.


Edited [12.06.2008; 11:59AM]:
Luiz Felipe Scolari is the new Chelsea manager.

Oh well. Not really concerned, should be a good choice, albeit I dislike him quite a bit.

29th July. That is all.


And I have no water to bathe because the pipe near my housing area burst into a gugillion pieces.

Damn it.

There is no four leaf clover, try again.

Today was fucking awful.

Yes, be surprised. I swore.

I don't want to talk about it.

I am skipping dinner because I am not a happy camper.

The low blood pressure symptoms are back. Oh joy.

I cried too much in one day. I had a breakdown. Wah, I sound human for once-lah kan?
*roll eyes*


Listening to this song just hit me. I never paid much attention to it, it wasn't one of my favourite songs.

But today, I realised how this song is exactly the summary of my fucking feelings today.

Hold - Axium
Takes a number, stands in line
'cause he doesn't feel like himself
And he's always played the wallflower
just cared for a sense of self
He plays on in spite of everything
disillusioned by his right
What makes it all go away
when you can't put up a fight, can't put up a fight?

Oh, but it's okay to breathe
your worries away
when everything and everyone try to lead you astray
Hold your own, hold your ground,
hold to life when you're down,
and always believe that there's a way back home

She's waiting on the answer,
a way to let them know
The thought of someone else inside her,
and the fear begins to grow
Warm tears feed dry hands
as she falls to the ground
It's strange how sadness presents itself
when there's no one around,
there's no one around

Oh, but it's okay to breathe
your worries away
when everything and everyone try to lead you astray
Hold your own, hold your ground,
hold to life when you're down,
and always believe that there's a way back home.


Judge me all you want. But you want to know something?
We're all fucking actors in a play on a stage.

Don't you dare think you are higher than me because between you and me, there's not much of a difference really.

We are all innocent.

Fly away...

Okay. The last couple of days have been just great. Tomorrow is going to be bad, I know. Keloid jab number 4. I am so flipping scared now...I need someone to hold my hand and wipe my tears, please?

Fine, just someone to hold my hand would do. I don't cry over injections. Just whimper.


I am being lazy in not updating here because I have tonnes of things to do (yes, staring at David Cook is considered as having tonnes of things to do).

But no worries, I'll be back before you know it, so don't miss me =)

Nah, just in case you do. More of David Cook goodness.


Yes, please make fun of me. I fail in life because I can't ride a bicycle. Or cook.


*slobbers all over the keyboard*


OhmyGod, his feet are like my brother's! Why is he getting skinnier now? =(


Lucky dolphin, you.


*swoons* Why are you so pretty? And good-looking? And just absolutely hilarious?


My mother thinks you're not funny. Pfft, what does she know? I think you AARRRRRRRRRRRE!

Shut up, manslut-worshipper.


I am only doing this so that I will worry about tomorrow's keloid jab when the time comes.

I'm so scared, hold me.


And to my 17 years, you will be pleased to hear that Operation Chocolate Chip Cookies (CCC) will commence this Thursday or Friday. I shall let you know the outcome and save some for you.


I saw Tomas on the telly before they showed the Liverpool match...and my God, I missed him. Get better soon, okay?


AND I HATE CHELSEA'S NEW HOME KIT. ARGH!

I'll be off now and oh, I need four songs more to make my David Cook album collection complete. 5 out of 6 albums in the bag. If I get the 4 songs, life would just wonderful.

I'll be alone dancing, you know it baby.

Okay, where is the rich billionaire I requested for since Christmas?


I so wanted to strangle John Arne Riise for letting the ball go in, but at the same time, I am quite relieved for THAT goal. How is it I can feel two different things at one go?


Yesterday's trip was quite fruitful. I got myself a new T-shirt, a cute pair of toe socks, and yes, a pair of blue boxers. Hahahaha! We shall get the stripey toe socks AND boxers next!


Highlight of yesterday:
"Is it just me or are those bunnies just plain horny-looking?"
-outside Ted Baker's in The Gardens-


Oh and the kinkiest statement of the year is no longer "Let's stalk them at the hotel and provide them 'room service'!", in fact it's this.

"If he handles his girlfriend the same way he caresses the mic, I so want to be in his bed every night"

Oi. That's my boy you're talking about. Don't touch.


I had a funny thought while taking the train back home yesterday. Will talk about it tomorrow.


Okay, I just loved Mikey in this (this is also an excuse to say how much I disliked Cookie's hair in this). He looks so young (I am talking about Mikey) and suddenly I miss the thing he used to do with his hair, flipping it back.


Did I tell you that when I think of something, be it appropriate or not, I have a tendency to bite my lips?


And did I tell you how much I love my toe socks? They're so freaking comfortable and adorable! I am so getting another pair.


Right. I am nuts. I get happy over small things like toe socks and random coincidences.

Would you expect anything less from me?

Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away.

So much for sleeping til noon and annoying people with reasons why I am obsessed about David Cook today.


Last night during the prayer service, the father's late best friend's kids and I talked about our loves and loathes of our high schools. I told them about my ex-class teacher who taught me Biology in Form 5, about how nice and strict she can be at times.

This morning at about 7:45, one of my juniors called me up and said that she passed away of a heart attack.

You see, this teacher of mine would have turned 29 this year on the same day I would turn 21 on the 6th of October (yes, we share our birthdays). She was a mother of twins, born about almost two years ago. I went to her wedding 3 years ago right after passing my computer test for my driving license.

*cue the numbing of all brain activities*

I was about to hurl a series of expletives at that little junior of mine, but all that escaped my lips was a muffled "What? ".

She was 29 and had a family and she taught Biology, for goodness sake! How was it that she passed away suddenly of a heart attack?

It had to be a mistake, maybe she meant another teacher, I figured.

But she told me it was definitely her.


Whoa. Nice way to wake up, ain't it?

So, I tried calling my ex-classmates to inform them, but to no avail, they all were fast asleep. I just sent them text messages.

Calls after calls, texts after texts. My brain was definitely out of sync with whatever was happening around me. I felt sorry for breaking the news to most of my friends who were having their finals this week. Especially the two class monitors who were close to her.

I had a lift from another classmate (no names shall be disclosed for fear of the powerful tool that is Google will lead unwanted eyes reading my thoughts here) since the father had to go out and run some errands. On the way, we picked up another two classmates in Kepong.

We all were too stunned. How could this happen? I wanted to cry but being the stoic donkey that I am when someone has passed away, you could see no tears streaming down my cheeks.

We got lost halfway and when we got to her house, they were already taking the body to the cemetery. We went to the cemetery to pay our last respects to our teacher, one who made my last year of high school a pretty much enjoyable one.

There had been times I was annoyed with her, but at times I just enjoyed listening to her stories, even though Biology was never my forte as most people would have come to understand.

We asked our other former teachers what happened...she had a sudden heart attack last night and passed away at 11PM. They were in shock too, as was everyone else who knew her.


Calls and text messages have been pouring in on my phone since the burial. I knew they were all too shocked to say much to comprehend anything. I still am, anyway.

To think we were all planning to have a reunion somewhere within these two weeks and we were going to invite her.

All the high school memories are coming back to me now. It's all coming back to me now. I'm getting a wee bit nostalgic now =(



Innalillahwainnalillahhiroji'un to the late Puan Jun. You will be missed.

Indefinitely.


Close your eyes, just pretend the bullet isn't there.
Makeover - David Cook.

I want to close my eyes and pretend so much that this bullet of a news did not hurt me.

I fail. It pierced right through me and the wound just won't seem to heal.


Can someone please prick me with a needle so that the tears will start rolling already?

You'll always be my baby.

Hi all, this is not TTG. This is your friendly neighbourhood Scouser.

My dearest best friend will not be updating for a while not only because she is having her exams, she is also unwell.

As most of you may or may not know, she suffers from low blood pressure. She has been having it since she was 16 or 17. Until yesterday afternoon, she has shown somes signs that she has it but she is getting better.

Yesterday changed it. She was not herself. Her forehead was wet with cold sweat, she felt her chest was tight and that she couldn't breathe, she felt dizzy and had headaches, her heart was beating rapidly and irregularly, she had a backache and she even had diarrhoea and her stomach muscles felt tight. It was frightening for me because I've never seen her like this before. I've seen her being dizzy and having headaches and looking weak because of her hypotension, but this was the worst.

I told her to sleep because she was turning into David Cook and I didn't want to see her admitted in the hospital or get sick.
"I do NOT want to see this cookie crumble"

She could still laugh and ask me "If I were to marry someone who has high blood pressure and I have low blood pressure, would this make our children have normal blood pressure?".

Stupid fool, can still joke around when we are worried over your scrawny ass.

She thought it was just panic attacks so she let it be, and went to take a nap after being persuaded by her thoughtful friends, her mate and myself.

She felt worse last night and that's when she decided to check her blood pressure, so she got out the blood pressure monitor from the box and checked herself.

94/68.

LOW.

Her father bought her a bottle of 100PLUS and added salt into her cup to spike her pressure up.

She feels better now. All she needs now is rest and sleep.


She is currently watching David Cook sing Always Be My Baby (she got impatient and had ants in her pants) and she is in tears when she heard that voice and saw him cry. What they said and what she saw makes her feel like she is glad she rooted for him since the auditions.


DAVID COOK. YOU ARE MAKING MY FRIEND TURN INTO MUSH. INDEFINITELY.


I don't blame her for her current obsession, at least he seems like he has his feet rooted to the ground. Plus he can sing, for what it's worth. Who knew he could make a Mariah Carey song sound so beautiful that it brings tears to your eyes? I am in tears too as I type this, listening to him. So beautiful.

And is it just me or is that THE vest? And his hair!

My best friend will be back hopefully on Sunday or so, she needs all the rest she can get for now. She is facing the world with a smile while looking like a zombie. If you know her and in case you see her, please tell her to sleep. And feed her with something salty just to raise her blood pressure.


To TTG: Take good care of yourself and I know you will do well in your papers. Don't be too stressed out. I am NOT willing to see another of us in the hospital. I admit, your Cookie is special and amazing. I am a believer. Little David, you better be afraid. Very, very afraid.

Take care, love. You know I love you, my little 'cracked' cookie.


P/S: If you are not getting ANY rest now, by the power of the HOLY DREADLOCKS I will hunt you down =p

LMAO. I have successfully contaminated your little blog with the netspeak! *glee*

Nothing to give with everything you take.

My stomach is churning out a very unfamiliar tune and it hurts to the point I feel like hurling.


I am NOT pleased with this morning's results. Just give it to Man U already-lah, and focus on the Champs League, please. Don't piss me off.

I have said this time and time again. UGLY GRANT, YOU SUCK. WHEN YOU COME HERE IN JULY, I WILL PELT YOU WITH ROCKS. Anyone willing to be my partner(s)-in-crime?


I know someone who needs some cheering up. I updated because I know you're still grumpy, so please, feel free to break out into a grin and thank me.


The Cookies are ADORABLE! Hahahaha.


*feels heart break into tiny fragments* I miss the Mikey/Cookie moments.


Honestly. If he lived here, he could join that Watson's competition for the Uniquely You thing. For Engaging Eyes (we have no idea what colour his eyes are, because they keep changing so often, we gave up figuring it out). Luke Menard can try his luck in the Healthy Hair category. Hahaha!



Okay my stomach is giving me a hard time now, I hope it's not gastric.


Back to my books. Not studying death and dying anymore. I'm studying kids and quantitative methods.


Help me.


Currently listening to:
Day Tripper (studio version) - David Cook.

I liked the live performance with the vox box better. Not to say I don't like the studio version of this, I love it (as much as I love the other studio versions), but the performance was better. I know you know why.



EDIT:
MY FRIEND IS WATCHING PORN INSTEAD OF STUDYING! HIPSHAKING DAVID COOK, DON'T SWAY HER FROM HER BOOKS!

Oh hi, I'm her favourite Scouser and I just wanted to let you know that Liverpool rocks. YNWA!

I got a happy trigger finger and I know not to let it linger.

This is NOT an update.

In fact, this is a donation plea.


My yellow highlighter has died not-so peacefully in my hands just a couple of hours ago as a result of being subjected to constant abuse with books and papers (all mostly my doing).

Therefore it is with much sadness that I ask you to donate a new yellow highlighter or money for me to buy a new one for me to study. It is vital for my self-esteem and well-being.

You know where and how to reach me, so please do the right thing.

Extra proceeds shall go to either my Stamford Bridge fund or returned to the kind donors.


Yours sincerely,
-TTG-


Personally, I think she thinks my hands are her canvas and my highlighters/colour pens are toys for her to fiddle with.


I've lost almost 2 kilos. Now, someone can happily yank my pants in broad daylight in public (I'm NOT a daystripper okay, you tart!).

And I've been overdosing on songs from David pre-Idol. I've been scribbling the lyrics at the bottom pages of my notes. Studying death and dying makes you depressed, so you need something to cheer you up.


The cracks in your smile make it impossible to decipher something legible...
Porcelain, David Cook.

This Cookie will go far.


And this might surprise you...I managed to finish dinner in under 5 minutes. No joke.

You, surprised? Don't be.


Currently listening to:
Innocent (Our Lady Peace cover) - David Cook.

The studio version is AWESOME compared to the live performance. Really. Love it.

This is a public service announcement.

As mentioned in the title, I shall be away for about a week to study for my finals. So this my last post until next Saturday. Read my earlier posts if in case you do miss me.

*****

I have come to the conclusion that David Cook is the cause for the orgasms at 6PM (and every hour of the day). I am serious.


Liar, and you said you don't dance.

Sorry, Ryan Star. You know I love you.


"Your hands around my waist, just let the music play, we're hand-in-hand, chest-to-chest, and now we're face-to-face"

Oh yeah, did you know he's sexy and he can dance too?

My dorky word-nerd who is everything (pretty much everything) I love in a guy is also a fucking orgasms-inducing sex god.


*falls to the floor with a loud thud*


I am sad to inform you there will no longer be Mikey of the infamous Mikey and Cookie team on AI.

I can no longer talk about how happily in love those two are and how cute and silly they are with each other. Or other random little things about them I find somewhat amusing.

No more infamous Kleenex passes.
No more Islands in the Stream jokes.
No more vest and hat-sharing moments.
No more chestbumps.
No more stolen glances and hidden smiles.
No more love.
No more Mikey and Cookie.

Do you realise how sad I am? I thought they would both go to the top 2 together. They meant so much to me. And her. And her. And my Paulo.


WHY GOD WHY???

I WANT MICHAEL JOHNS BACK!!!


Cookie and Mikey will never be the same again with him gone.


NO FAIR! I DEMAND A RECOUNT!


Excuse me while I gently weep in the luxury of my own bathroom.



Michael Johns, I love you. So do most of my friends and Cookie too. I will miss you and I'm sure Cookie will miss you too.


I AM NOT AMUSED. I AM NOT HAPPY! I WANT MY MIKEY JOHNS BACK!


I AM FURIOUS! WHY??? MICHAEL JOHNS IS OBVIOUSLY BETTER THAN THAT BITCHY KLC AND SYESHA. WHY ARE THEY STILL THERE!!!

I AM NOT HAPPY. MIKEY SHOULD'VE STAYED. HE MAY HAVE TWO-LEFT FEET, BUT HELL HE CAN SING!


And I thought nothing would surprise me anymore. Oh I am so fucking wrong.

And yeah, guess what? I was watching the "Seasons of Love" video and I fucking cried. Yeah, that's how sad I am.

I love to turn you on...

Monday left me feeling all frantic and overwhelmed again. It's not pretty to have a nearly embarrassing breakdown in the train station, you know.

I sent in my Sudoku form on Monday as well, not without blessing the envelope with all the things I love and believe in. Which included my radio and PC. It was for good luck, okay!


Tuesday was okay...during lunch, I munched down some watermelon and listened to Nicky, and I smiled. People were thinking I was dreaming about someone.

No. I was listening to DC's Day Tripper, Michael Johns' A Day in the Life, and Axium's Creep. All of which had a funny history between me and a few people *coughs* Gay Stripper *coughs*.

I mean, wouldn't you be smiling too if a man like Michael Johns sang to you a line like "I love to turn you on"?

Also, I was smiling at the fact how music is always the way for me to escape a certain kind of madness.


And yeah, a new baby is coming. You'll have to wait and see when he gets here. I am so in love with him! He's so pretty, it makes me weep.


I've been wearing those wristbands again, and I noticed that my hands have shrunk. The things are so loose, it's on the verge on falling off my wrists!


I've broken my "no more fastfood" diet on Monday. I no longer feel holy.
I haven't had an apple for one week. Do you know how bad that is?!


I did something bad in the morning. I gave in to temptation. I have no chance in hell to go to heaven.


And this is rather random, but you have no idea how strange it is that when I am thinking of something, you're also thinking of the same thought. Like this morning, with the 'sparrows'. I thought you both forgot! Though they were both in a different context, you two could see the connection and tell me "Okay. Purely coincidental but OMG!".


I like your look, I love your smile...

Uncle, I want a haircut. Even David Cook got one already. I am jealous here.
No? Fine. I'm going to paint my nails black. See how you like that.
(And DC, take care please? It's just too much for me when I hear someone ending up in hospitals...and please don't get too stressed out...you need rest)



And uh, Michael Johns. It is completely wrong and inappropriate for me to like a married man like you, but forgive me, I am easily swayed by temptation and silly things.

No thanks to you, I fell off my chair and hurt my knee and bumped my head on the table, laughing while replying mate's text! Pain don't hurt, he says.

It's all wrong, but it's all right...

Mate, Lysa and Mar, you know the meaning behind those lines. It's good enough to feed my random nonsense-deprived imagination.


God, can you make my baby come by Saturday or Sunday? I need to see it. Please.

Second place has never carried me home.

I am not exactly feeling better...but I feel way better compared to what I was feeling on Thursday.

Thursday was the lowest point I've ever hit. I've even come to a brilliant conclusion that I have tear ducts as powerful as David Cook's voice. Don't laugh, okay, it's a fact. Have you NOT heard the man's take on Billie Jean? You better listen to the studio version of it. Copy of Chris Cornell or not, you decide. I think they're both brilliant.

I was actually feeling very upset and even when my friends were trying to pull my leg, I was annoyed. I was having a shitty day already and I didn't need that. It made my mood go sour and I spent the whole night crying. I never knew anyone could cry that much in a day.

It all started with the father being annoyed at the fact I had to change my schedule again, claiming I was always like this and that I robbed him of getting his things done.

I started yelling at the mother, saying I wanted to quit college and asked her to find me a husband to marry.


Yes, boy, if you're proposing to me with that cupcake, I accept.

I mean, I am at the mercy of my group mates and my parents. I am stuck in the middle and always I don't know what to do when I am caught in this situation. I wished he would just see it from my viewpoint instead of just jumping the gun (he actually thought I went out with my friends somewhere when I told him to pick me up at 2 when I actually had to do my review).

On Friday, I apologised to the mother but she apologised saying it's her fault. I cried again. After my mock presentation (of which we shall not talk about), I could've sworn I was going to cry again. I think I did.

After that, I met up with my lecturer cousin and told him about what happened on Thursday. I can safely tell you that after that talk, I felt relieved and can understand it from another person's viewpoint. But some part of me still wants the father to just hear me out even if he is annoyed.

"He can forgo everything else for you. You are his main concern. You mean the world to him"

Eh, tell me...don't you feel like crying when you hear that? I was going to, I felt the tears in my eyes. I know the father means well and loves me, I just want him to not quickly jump to conclusions and all.

It's true when people say "to the world you're just someone, but to someone you're the world".

And another interesting point to add:

Old people haven't changed much, only they have lesser tolerance towards things.

Oh yeah, that is so true.


I sometimes wished he'd stop comparing me to the brother. Yes, he is a genius and has awesome Maths skills and has three majors and all that. I am different. Stop worrying if I get Cs or Ds please.

Okay, he can worry about me when I get Ds, but my point is...if the brother did Psychology and got As and Bs, while I got Cs and Ds, then you can worry. These are two different things were talking about here. Actuarial science is a linear course, one thing leads to another.

I guess I will only get it when I become a parent. I care about the parents a great deal. It's just that I feel like a need a bit more breathing space than I already have right now.

We're all greedy little things, aren't we? We're given an inch, but we want a mile.

*****

This silver leaves me burning for gold.

I heard that line and thought of my parents.

According to the father, the meaning of his name before he converted was 'a jewel' and we always say his surname was similar to 'silver'.

The mother's name is Mas (this is not her full name, I don't want to be found out here again) which is 'gold' (actually the Malay word for gold is 'emas', so that's why she's gold).

I wonder if the father ever felt this way about the mother. I know he's never heard of this song (neither have most of you) but it makes me wonder.

Last night during the prayers, we were talking about how they met and all other old stories. It made me smile on the inside when they began mentioning about how they were the 'silver' and 'gold' to each other.

Because as far as I know, I know he feels THAT way for her. He meant every word, almost reminiscent to the song.

I'm making this their theme song.


The week's over. Bed...you have no idea how much I've missed you.


Currently listening to:
Silver - David Cook.

I'm miserable without you, you know.

In my dreams I kissed your lips a thousand times...

Yeah, yeah. I know what you're going to say. It's just like that time I was madly obsessed with Ryan Star. It's just a phase, you say.

I say "Shut up".

Doesn't this remind you of some people? =p

Make fun of me and you won't get your (HEAVY) dose of curry laksa and his version of 'Creep'.

*****

God, I am sorry for yelling at you for making the rain to pour while I was doing my assignment and causing the blackout before I could have saved the file.

But why oh why God, did you bless me with so many Liverpool fans as friends? Is this a punishment for questioning your doings or blessings?

And why God did you make the ManUre win with such a HUGE scoreline?

Now I have too many souls to comfort and feed.

*****

I really need to learn to shut up sometimes.

"If Kimi wins, ManUre will win"

I spoke too soon.

And Lewis, I love you.

*****

Dear Didier Drogba,

You know when I put you as my number 25 in that list I did last year, I knew I wasn't wrong or crazy.


I love you. Thank you for making me learn to believe again.



I think my heart stopped a few times during the match, and when he scored the two goals, I got too happy and cried.

-.-

Let's just say I got a wee bit nostalgic as well. It reminded me so much of the Carling Cup final (minus the whole JT being kicked in the face and nearly dying part). And I miss Jose =(


AND OH MY GOD! IS GORDON RAMSAY A CHELSEA FAN???

*screams*

Okay-lah let me be happy a bit, can? I think he's hot. Hahaha. Like I said, men who can cook are sexy. And he's no exception.

*****

After Saturday, I am going to be lazy and slack a bit.

Which at the present moment, seems a little impossible. I woke up at 7:00AM today instead of 8:30.

Oh dear...my waking habits are disturbed. TERRIBLY.


Currently listening to:
Michelle - Jason Castro.

I love you, I love you, I love you!

Dreads. Hahaha, reminds me of you, you know? Smile a bit, okay? I'm going to take you out later to eat, so cheer up. Plus I'm sending you 'Creep' okay =)