Second place has never carried me home.

I am not exactly feeling better...but I feel way better compared to what I was feeling on Thursday.

Thursday was the lowest point I've ever hit. I've even come to a brilliant conclusion that I have tear ducts as powerful as David Cook's voice. Don't laugh, okay, it's a fact. Have you NOT heard the man's take on Billie Jean? You better listen to the studio version of it. Copy of Chris Cornell or not, you decide. I think they're both brilliant.

I was actually feeling very upset and even when my friends were trying to pull my leg, I was annoyed. I was having a shitty day already and I didn't need that. It made my mood go sour and I spent the whole night crying. I never knew anyone could cry that much in a day.

It all started with the father being annoyed at the fact I had to change my schedule again, claiming I was always like this and that I robbed him of getting his things done.

I started yelling at the mother, saying I wanted to quit college and asked her to find me a husband to marry.


Yes, boy, if you're proposing to me with that cupcake, I accept.

I mean, I am at the mercy of my group mates and my parents. I am stuck in the middle and always I don't know what to do when I am caught in this situation. I wished he would just see it from my viewpoint instead of just jumping the gun (he actually thought I went out with my friends somewhere when I told him to pick me up at 2 when I actually had to do my review).

On Friday, I apologised to the mother but she apologised saying it's her fault. I cried again. After my mock presentation (of which we shall not talk about), I could've sworn I was going to cry again. I think I did.

After that, I met up with my lecturer cousin and told him about what happened on Thursday. I can safely tell you that after that talk, I felt relieved and can understand it from another person's viewpoint. But some part of me still wants the father to just hear me out even if he is annoyed.

"He can forgo everything else for you. You are his main concern. You mean the world to him"

Eh, tell me...don't you feel like crying when you hear that? I was going to, I felt the tears in my eyes. I know the father means well and loves me, I just want him to not quickly jump to conclusions and all.

It's true when people say "to the world you're just someone, but to someone you're the world".

And another interesting point to add:

Old people haven't changed much, only they have lesser tolerance towards things.

Oh yeah, that is so true.


I sometimes wished he'd stop comparing me to the brother. Yes, he is a genius and has awesome Maths skills and has three majors and all that. I am different. Stop worrying if I get Cs or Ds please.

Okay, he can worry about me when I get Ds, but my point is...if the brother did Psychology and got As and Bs, while I got Cs and Ds, then you can worry. These are two different things were talking about here. Actuarial science is a linear course, one thing leads to another.

I guess I will only get it when I become a parent. I care about the parents a great deal. It's just that I feel like a need a bit more breathing space than I already have right now.

We're all greedy little things, aren't we? We're given an inch, but we want a mile.

*****

This silver leaves me burning for gold.

I heard that line and thought of my parents.

According to the father, the meaning of his name before he converted was 'a jewel' and we always say his surname was similar to 'silver'.

The mother's name is Mas (this is not her full name, I don't want to be found out here again) which is 'gold' (actually the Malay word for gold is 'emas', so that's why she's gold).

I wonder if the father ever felt this way about the mother. I know he's never heard of this song (neither have most of you) but it makes me wonder.

Last night during the prayers, we were talking about how they met and all other old stories. It made me smile on the inside when they began mentioning about how they were the 'silver' and 'gold' to each other.

Because as far as I know, I know he feels THAT way for her. He meant every word, almost reminiscent to the song.

I'm making this their theme song.


The week's over. Bed...you have no idea how much I've missed you.


Currently listening to:
Silver - David Cook.

I'm miserable without you, you know.