Numero due.

Why can't I just be like my friends, who prefer to take things as they come?
Why can't I learn to take things one day at a time?
Why must I be such a perfectionist?
Why must I rush things?
Why must I be an overachiever?
Why must I tell everyone I am only human and I can only take so much at certain times when I know they won't listen?
Why do I even bother proving others wrong?
Why do I have to prove that I'm not always second best and that I'm smarter in more ways they can imagine?
Why do I try to please people so badly?
Why can't I be a kid again?

This past week has been absolutely horrendous to the point I want to swear but I cannot because the vulgarities do NOT want to exit my lips. It has also gone to the point I want to quit college. Not to mention, I have already come up with a list of things I want to give away to any one of you, in case I die.

I have been absolutely tulan/fed up, I wanted to scream, but I flipped the papers open and saw two pretty boys in the Sports page of The Star. That made me smile.

In case you didn't know, it was JT and Kaka. Ronnie Rabbit doesn't make me happy.

I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to swear.
I want to die.

But I can't.

I just don't know what to do. I don't even want to wake up and see anyone. Not even go to college.

If I screw up, I cannot face a whole load of people. From my department. From the Business department. My cousin. The lecturer. My parents.

The lecturer thinks I'm intelligent. Really, I have not sat in one of her classes fully and she already thinks I am intelligent. I guess it's the nerdy look-lah WTF.

Everyone there is pinning hopes on me like I'm some kind of mindless robot being. I am just so tulan over everything right now.

I just want to curl up in bed and just do something else. Like write really sucky things that apparently make my mushy friends weep.

People are taking two subjects this semester. The max you can go is three. I have to do four.

I am not upset that I have to do four subjects. I am just...I don't know.

The tremendous amount of help my cousin had to go through. The battle my dad had to do. The faith the lecturer has in me.
It affects me. Terribly.
I have to live up to expectations, something I dislike immensely.


No sé que hacer después. Ajude-me, por favor.

*****

Was watching the FA Cup review on the telly after I woke up at 6 (I was so fed up with everything, I went on a four-hour sleeping spree).

OhMyGod. I'm not going to tell you what I did. Because if you know me by now, you'd know what I did.



Fine-lah. For all clueless beings out there, does the term 'fangirling' make any sense to you?

Haha. Sigh...pretty boys make my day a tad bit better than it already is.