The truth eludes me so much it hurts.

I flail a lot when I am excited.

I even flail while sitting for my exam papers.

Guess what? I'm not embarrased by it at all.

Yesterday during my Counselling Theories paper, I was trying to recall a word. I had the meaning in my head but the word was nowhere near it. I got frustrated and I curled my hand into a fist and and started shaking them not too violently.

You know how frustrating it is when you know what the term is but it refuses to exit your long-term memory into your short-term memory?

HIGHLY FRUSTRATING.

The problem with me is that I studied that part so bad, I even had my Scouse bitch come help me memorise the terms and definitions. Every single time I had it wrong, she'd hit me with the paper and make me go through the terms all over again until I got it right.

If I didn't study the part, I wouldn't be that frustrated during my paper.

I did study. I wrote notes about them with my fancy colour pens. To forget that would only mean I'm kicking myself in the derriere.

I was so frustrated at myself when I forgot the word. I really was, hence the whole flailing/movement of arms during my exam.

Then...

I remembered the word.

Again, I flailed. Because I was fucking happy I FINALLY GOT THE WORD.

Knowing the meaning of the word but not the word itself? WHO DOES THAT?

Not many people get the idea of how upsetting it is to forget something as important as that. You probably shrug it off if you forget it. You probably write an answer that is seemingly logical but not the accurate one. You probably leave it blank.

I don't.

I flail to remember.

I'm not embarrassed by it.

I know other people who do weird things during exams.

They curse.
They subvocalise the answers out loud for the world to hear.
They make gestures.
They sleep.
They hum.
They vomit out their entire stomach content.

I flail. This is my way, like it or not. It's not like I'm having an epileptic seizure, but I just flail or shake my hands for 5 seconds. Or tap my fingers on the table.

Don't judge. It's my way of releasing that frustration of forgetting a simple word like 'fidelity', 'justice', 'beneficence' or 'non-maleficence'.

At least the flailing helped. If I hadn't done that and checked the answers after the paper, I would have been so disappointed in myself, I would've done a Tatiana/Nathaniel almost instantly in the exam hall.

I would have even asked the Scouse bitch to kill me for being so stupid. She would because she spent time teaching and helping me remember the words.

So yeah, I flail.

Just like how I flailed when I saw this on YouTube after my paper AND at home TWICE.


Got to love them both.

Toodles, children. I'm off to study =)