I put some new shoes on.

LONG RANT AHEAD.
Today was by far one of the most interesting days that I've ever got to experience.

Besides the fact I got over my immense fear of speaking in public, I learnt about myself through other people.

Our presentations were about ourselves. Out of the eight aspects we had to write about, we were asked to talk about ourselves based on one aspect for two minutes.

A lot of people we talking about their major stressors. One of them talked about their mother being ill, another talked about how she missed her sister who's now in New Zealand, another talked about the loss of a pet that has been in the family for a long time.

Sounds very much like the Idol sob stories, no?
I actually thought so too. I really did.

For one who always wears her heart on her sleeves, this kind of thought was something that clearly wasn't normal.

I was not in the mood for sad stories. Well, you can tell me sad stories when it's after 12PM. So, I made mine as humourous and ridiculous as possible because I don't like the idea of people being sad in the mornings.

Then, I came home and thought about what I could have actually presented on instead of what I did. I started talking about the other topics and then, I cried.

It finally hit me.

I realised how fragile life is. I started thinking about the two weeks that my dad got ill. I spent the two weeks being worried and upset and snappy. Every time he came home from the hospital, I find myself asking him "What did the doctor say?", "Did she give you medicines?" or even "Do you have to go back there again?".

The last question made me quiver. I was worried that it was something serious or worse, it could lead to death.

Then, I started thinking about the people who really matter to me that have already passed away.
My best friends, the twins.
My first ever boyfriend.
My young nephew.
My close family friend.
My two favourite uncles.
My Biology teacher.

The first three made me see that life is really short. I lost the twins to cancer of the brain and blood. I was only 13 or 14 when they passed away. They never had the chance to go the concert of their favourite acts, get a degree, get married and have children.

I have talked too much about how much I miss my ex-boyfriend and how his death was around the time I had to sit for a major exam. Life was not okay for me but I had to keep my spirits up, because he made me promise.

My nephew was only 11 when he passed away. He never got out of that coma and I was just at a loss for words when I heard the news. It felt like a brick was thrown in my face when I was caught off-guard. He never got to know what love is, get a degree or come over to my house for Raya where he will bully his three sisters like he used to again.

This close family friend who passed away was my dad's best friend. It was such a huge loss for my family that even my dad was speechless and stunned for an hour. It was such an unexpected loss. This coming Sunday will mark the first year anniversary of his death.

My two favourite uncles meant the world to me. One would tease me incessantly, the other looked after me when my brother was hospitalised for suspected dengue when he was 9. I love them both so much and I miss them. I wish I told them that.

My Biology teacher shared the same birthday as me. She had twins. I went for her wedding at her family home, and I found myself going back there again after three years when she died of a heart attack at the age of 28. She never made it to her 29th birthday. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am for being a whiny cow a few times in her class.

Then, I start thinking about my parents and how much they have done for me. My parents aren't getting any younger, yet they give in to the most ridiculous demands I ask from them. I thought about the biggest sacrifice my father has probably ever done for me, which would be the time he decided to quit his job and look after my brother and I. He sent us both to school and back in that 27-year-old Ford Laser of his. That car is the car that is getting me to and fro college now. People make fun of the car but they do not realise the significance of the car to me. I don't know if my brother feels the same way, but I know I feel this. The car has seen me through tough times - it sent me to the hospital when I broke my arms as a kid and when I was admitted for food poisoning. It has taken me to school and university. It has taken me to the most remote places in Malaysia. This car has broadened my horizons and expanded my knowledge. Not many people get that.

My parents are not getting any younger. They'll be 63 and 67 this year. I realise that they will not live forever, which is why I intend to spend as much time as I can with them. I go out shopping with them, watch movies and plays with them, and watch random TV shows with them whenever I can. I know I have friends, but at the end of the day, I only have my family, like it or not. They have been supportive of me even when I make decisions that are utterly stupid. They never approved of my decision to pursue psychology yet they respected it. When people question my choice, they are ALWAYS the first to take the bat for me and explain to the others about my choice. You don't know what that is like. Most of you are taking up Medicine or Business or Finance, but generally people think Psychology is a course that has no prospects in the future. But my parents are understanding and respectful of that decision I made, for which I am truly grateful.

My parents have also taught me to never look down on a person based on their status. My father is one who will always talk to almost anyone, even to the security guard and parking attendant in HELP, the waiters at the restaurant we frequent to and even the cashier at the petrol station. He told me that he even has 'mat rempit' kids as friends. He even talks to foreign workers and never degrades them. Today, this Bangladeshi worker who is a friend of my dad's came over to ask how my dad was doing after hearing how he was ill the last few weeks. According to my mother, he has come over to the house five times already just to ask how he is. That just made me cry because it's amazing to see how much he has helped people. A very close friend of my father once told me that there is no one who would take a bat for his friends like my father would. I almost cried just listening to that in a sea of drunken men. I want my life to be meaningful like that. I want people to remember me how I know people will remember my parents.

The one who said she misses her sister who's living in a different country made me evaluate the relationship I have with my brother. Everyone looked up to him. He was away at boarding school and overseas for most of my childhood and adolescent years. Festivals went and came like that and I didn't feel much of the fact he was not with us to celebrate. It felt normal, almost like a routine. I realise now that he must have been sad that we weren't around to celebrate with him and that he had to suffer during Raya by sitting for exams. I never thought so much about it then, but now it just hit me that he must have been hurting. I remember my mother having a fever because she didn't hear from him from the time he left KLIA. A few days later, my dad was admitted into the hospital for nine days. Every single time my brother called and wanted to speak to my dad, I couldn't tell him the truth because I knew he would be worried and upset. I remember once I told him that my dad was asleep when he asked to speak to him, and he asked me "Papa doesn't want to talk to me ah?". Do you know how I felt? I almost cried talking to him. It was painful to lie to someone you love to protect them. It just hurt to be put in that situation. I may not have shown it then but I missed my brother as much as my parents did. The only difference was that I didn't show it.

I was never good with my emotions. I could cry for something which may seem silly to most, but I could never cry at serious occasions like wedding or funerals. I'm not completely devoid of emotions. I'm just not able to express it the way most people do. I am not a fan of PDAs, maybe that's partly due to the fact my parents aren't the touchy-feely kind of couple. They never hug, hold hands (okay, they do but that happens like once in a blue moon) or even kiss. They don't need that to show their emotions or how much they love each other. The way they understand each other is enough to convey how much they love each other. Maybe it's because of them I send out evil glares to couples who show excessive amounts of PDA in front of me.

'New Shoes' by Paolo Nutini is an amazing song. This song is not about you buying new shoes. It's about how the smallest and probably most insignificant thing to others may be the most precious thing to you that will make your day just that bit brighter. That small thing could be something, anything, someone, anyone. I guess the reason why I find such joy in the most random things or people is that it just triggers some silly and happy moments in life. I hear an old cheesy pop song on the radio and I yell "OMG THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD!". No joke. Silly songs make me happy. Random text messages make me happy. New shoes make me happy. Lame jokes make me happy. Grocery shopping makes me happy.

A few days ago, someone was talking about the lack of new clothes they have at home and I was secretly thinking that "Life is more than just the lack of clothes in your wardrobe". There's so much more to life than mindless pursuits of money, bling or other whimsical things. Life is way too fragile for those trivial pursuits.

The former Chief Priest of the Brickfields Buddhist Temple wrote a book about how life is uncertain and death is inevitable. That book has made me see things in a broader perspective and changed my views on life. People should read that book and see how shallow they can be about things.

Live life. Love life. Love and get hurt. Break bones, get scars and learn from those injuries. Never ever regret making the decision you've made that was wrong, learn from it and promise yourself to never repeat it. Tell someone you truly care about you love them. Don't wait for things to come to you. Take chances. Laugh a lot. Celebrate life in death.


I wished I talked about this for my presentation instead, but at the same time, I really wouldn't want to speak of these things because I know I would cry. I just spent the whole time I typed this crying my eyes out.

Now, I know exactly why I never liked learning anything new about myself.