In this rush, we are crushed.

I thought that after six years, I have moved on.
Turns out, I'm still rooted to the ground.

I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember.


I know I talk about this in almost a broken record manner, but it is how I feel.

At 15, all you ever think about are exams, zits, friends, boys, boybands, football, other girls to bitch about and trying to fit in and be someone of importance.

Not losing someone very dear to cancer.


If you know what the song Permanent is about, you would know why I skip it almost all the time it comes on my playlist. It's the same feelings I have about songs on the radio. You hear it for the first time, you claim it's your favourite song. The more the radio plays it, the more it loses meaning because now suddenly everyone wants to hear it.

I don't want that to happen to Permanent. I want the meaning to stay as what it's supposed to mean. A promise to be there until the very end.

I went to sleep and heard that song in my dream for three nights in a row. I dreamt I was at his grave, talking to him and kissing the tombstone. I felt hands holding my own, I looked up at saw it was him smiling back. I would wake up with tears and a wet pillow.


I never did cry when they told me he lost the fight, because, hey, I don't cry when someone dies and I don't cry when I'm at their funeral. That's just me. It's not like I don't feel anything. I feel sad, it's just that I don't go around showing my sadness by crying.

I cried a few days after the funeral for five minutes.

You might ask me "You're the girlfriend, aren't you supposed to be bawling your eyes out?".

Maybe I wasn't sobbing so much because I knew he wanted me to stay strong because the PMR exams were coming (he died a month before I sat for the exams). It's what he would've wanted. He has told me before that I was a strong person emotionally. He hardly ever saw me cry, maybe because it was hard to feel sad when I'm with him. He knew I wouldn't take bullshit from anyone, had a bad temper and beat boys up. Still, he stuck around because he believed that everyone has a good heart at the end of the day (my mother believes in that too).


Permanent, MCR's Cancer and even 5ive's Closer to Me never fail to make me think of him. These three songs never fail make me cry as well.

I wish you will still hold my hand even when I don't ask you to.
I wish you well.


This temporary thing we had, is permanent to me.


Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry.